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Monday, November 29, 2010

Karva Chauth

Salman and Abhishek

Salman: Hey Abhishek, how is she doing?
Abhishek: She is fine.
Salman: Did she watch Dabangg?
Abhishek: I guess she did.
Salman: Did she get nostalgic?
Abhishek: Nostalgic about what?
Salman: About the days when she used to date a real man.
Abhishek: A real man!! Who?
Salman: Forget it.
Abhishek: No, tell me. Are you talking about yourself or Vivek?
Salman: Who you think is the real man?
Abhishek: Can’t say. I watched Raktacharitra and Dabangg. I guess both of you looked like real men.
Salman: Who do you think looks like a real man in real life?
Abhishek: Maybe you. You have killed people in real life too.
Salman: Ha ha ha! I was drunk, man!
Abhishek: Ya, drinking makes some men real.
Salman: Anyway, I was watching the trailer of some patriotic movie you are acting in.
Abhishek: Ya! I thought I should do some meaningful movie.
Salman: Meaningful! Hmm…cool.
Abhishek: You don’t feel like working in such movies?
Salman: No, dude! I prefer working in superhit movies. Just like your papa and wife.
Abhishek: Great choice!
Salman: Don’t mind. You will also give superhit movies some day. On your own…ha ha ha!
Abhishek: So Salman, how is she doing?
Salman: She means who?
Abhishek: Cummon! You asked about the ‘she’ of my life. But you have no clue about the ‘she’ of your life!
Salman: Oh! You mean Katrina.
Abhishek: You got it so fast.
Salman: I don’t know much, dude!
Abhishek: Heard she is dating that young Kapoor.
Salman: Just rumours!
Abhishek: Ya, she would definitely prefer somebody who gives superhit movies.
Salman: Are you being sarcastic?
Abhishek: No. Mad or what? Who wants to get threatening calls?
Salman: Listen. I didn’t threaten anybody. I had called up Vivek to convince him.
Abhishek: Did you try to convince Kapoor also?
Salman: No. He is just a kid.
Abhishek: And you are getting old.
Salman: What do you mean?
Abhishek: Get married. And stop asking questions about others’ wives. Otherwise some day all your ex-girlfriends would be others’ wives. Ha ha ha!




Bank Security

Friday, November 26, 2010

मनमोहन और कसाब

मनमोहन: क्या हुआ? बात क्यों नहीं करते?
कसाब: नहीं करूंगा. जाओ यहाँ से?
मनमोहन:  नाराज़ हो? देखो तुम्हारे लिए क्या लाया हूँ?
कसाब: मुझे नहीं देखना.
मनमोहन: अच्छा, नहीं दिखाउंगा. पर बताओ तो हुआ क्या?
कसाब: घर की याद आ रही है.
मनमोहन: घर की याद आ रही है? यहाँ कोई दिक्कत है क्या? 
कसाब: दिक्कत तो नहीं है.
मनमोहन: तो किस बात का रोना? घर जैसा आराम तो है यहाँ.
कसाब: अब ज़्यादा एहसान मत झाड़ो.
मनमोहन: एहसान नहीं झाड रहा. पर तुम्हारी सुरक्षा पर करोड़ों खर्च कर दिए. अच्छा खाने-पीने का इंतज़ाम है. सेलिब्रिटी जैसी हैसियत है.      बच्चा-बच्चा तुम्हें जानता है. और क्या चाहिए?
कसाब: वो सब तो ठीक है पर?
मनमोहन: पर क्या? अब जन्नत जैसी हूरें भी चाहिए? साले ठरकी!
कसाब: नहीं, वो बात नहीं है.
मनमोहन: तब क्या बात है?
कसाब: मुझे डर है कि एक ना एक दिन आपलोग मुझे मार डालेंगे.
मनमोहन: ओफ! खोदा पहाड़, निकली चुहिया. बस इतनी सी बात?
कसाब: मौत का खौफ छोटी बात है क्या?
मनमोहन: अरे, तुम्हारे पहले सैकड़ों आतंकवादी आये, शान से हमारी जेलों में रहे और इज्ज़त से अपने मुल्क लौट गए.
कसाब: सो तो है.
मनमोहन: हमने उन्हें नहीं मारा तो तुम्हें क्यूँ मारने लगे?
कसाब: पर आपने उन्हें मारा क्यूँ नहीं?
मनमोहन: अरे भाई, हम 'अतिथिदेवो भव' के सिद्धांत में विश्वास रखते हैं.
कसाब: हाँ, मैंने सुना है.
मनमोहन: अब बदलते वक़्त के साथ हमने उसे 'आतंकवादीदेवो भव' में बदल दिया है. अतिथियों से ज्यादा तो यहाँ आतंकवादी आते हैं. जितने  बड़ा आतंकवादी, उतने बड़े देवता जैसा सम्मान. 
कसाब: क्या खूबसूरत उसूल हैं आपके. इंशाल्लाह. कमाल का मुल्क है यह!
मनमोहन: अब तो चिंता मिट गयी तुन्हारी?
कसाब: हाँ. मुझे घर कब भेजोगे?
मनमोहन: कुछ कह नहीं सकते. बस अपने किसी विमान के अपहरण का इंतज़ार है. उसके तुरंत बाद तुम्हें तुम्हारे कुछ दोस्तों के साथ            भेज देंगे.
कसाब:ठीक है. शुक्रिया!
मनमोहन: अब तो देखो तुम्हारे लिए क्या लाया हूँ.
कसाब: क्या लाये हो?
मनमोहन: आज 26 नवम्बर की दूसरी सालगिरह है. सोचा तुम्हारे लिए चॉकलेट के स्वाद वाला केक लेता आऊँ. 
कसाब: चॉकलेट मुझे पसंद नहीं. स्ट्रॉबेरी लेकर आओ.
मनमोहन: उफ़! ऐसे महत्त्वपूर्ण दिन पे जिद नहीं करते. अभी चॉकलेट खा लो. अगली सालगिरह पे स्ट्रॉबेरी ले आउंगा.
कसाब: अगली सालगिरह तक यहाँ रहूंगा तब तो? विमान...अपहरण. हा हा हा! 
मनमोहन: शरारत गयी नहीं तुम्हारी! हा हा हा!

Lalu and Rahul

Lalu: How’s your mom?
Rahul: A little upset. But she is doing fine.
Lalu: I can understand.
Rahul: How’s your wife?
Lalu: A little upset. But she is also doing fine.
Rahul: Ya! She got defeated at both places, no.
Lalu: But she was no match for you.
Rahul: What do you mean?
Lalu: You gave rallies at twelve places. Congress lost at each of them.
Rahul: You don’t have to remind me that.
Lalu: Don’t mind, buddy! You started.
Rahul: Anyway, what’s up?
Lalu: Hey, I wanted to tell you that I see myself in you.
Rahul: Don’t say that. I’m still hopeful about my future.
Lalu: Hopeful? So sweet!
Rahul: By the way, why do you see yourself in me?
Lalu: Our working styles are so similar.
Rahul: No way. I can speak in English.
Lalu: I’m talking about the stunts we do.
Rahul: Stunts?
Lalu: Ya! Eating at a Dalit’s place, touching the feet of an old villager etc.
Rahul: I know. Indians love such stuff.
Lalu: I liked the way you spoke about Nitish eating up all funds sent to Bihar by the Central government.
Rahul: I am a good speaker, I guess!
Lalu: And shameless too. Me talking about corruption after fodder scam. You talking about it after CWG, Aadarsh and God knows how many others.
Rahul: It’s not shamelessness. It’s confidence. That’s why girls go gaga over me when I visit some college.
Lalu: Remember they went gaga over Hrithik also. 35,000 marriage proposals. And the flops he gave after that….uff!
Rahul: You demoralizing me?
Lalu: No! Just giving a wake-up call.
Rahul: What wake-up call?
Lalu: Trends say these voters may not fall in love with rehearsed speeches, political stunts and the royal family background anymore.
Rahul: Don’t say that. I’m proud to be from the Nehru-Gandhi family.
Lalu: Remain proud. But not hopeful. People want to see hardcore development nowadays.
Rahul: I don’t like the word ‘development’ from your mouth.
Lalu: Neither do I. But these goddamn voters!
Rahul: Oh! Then I am in deep shit.
Lalu: And me in deep cowdung! Ha ha ha!
Rahul: You are funny. You know that!
Lalu: Actually we both are funny. Better to say, we both look funny.
Rahul: To whom?
Lalu: To these goddamn voters. Ha ha ha!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Lalu's New Job

Lalu: This defeat is mysterious. People still laugh at my jokes. Then why didn’t they vote me?
Rabri: Darling! Too many stand-up comedians around. You couldn’t stand out.
Lalu: Okay. What should I do now? No future in crime also.
Rabri.: Priyatam! Let’s start a dairy farm. You remember how you made crores of rupees by selling milk during the fodder scam?


Lalu's worry

Lalu: I am not worried about my defeat.
Nitish: Then?
Lalu: I’m worried about the plight of poor Biharis.
Nitish: How?
Lalu: Now they will have electricity at home. It means children will watch TV, never study.
Nitish: That’s a good point.
Lalu: You will give them employment at the home state. They won’t be able to explore other states and get exposure as migrant labourers.
Nitish: You are genuinely concerned.
Lalu: The worst thing is they will think education degrees bring prosperity better than guns.
Nitish: What a thought!
Lalu: Anyway, the election was unfair.
Nitish: How?
Lalu: No murders, no booth capturing, no goof-ups at the counting of votes. 
Nitish: Does it make the election unfair?
Lalu: Yeah! If election commission’s gunmen can enter the polling booths, why can’t my gunmen?
Nitish: A great logic indeed!
Lalu: You see I know how to make a point.
Nitish: You want re-elections?
Lalu: No.
Nitish: Why?
Lalu: I got 24 seats.
Nitish: Right!
Lalu: Something is better than nothing.